Cookie Dough

Today has been one of those days...

You have probably heard of the grieving process. (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance) Well, today I thought I would outline the process I have gone through amidst my anxieties and frustrations:

Stage One: "Fake it 'till you make it" This step is similar to denial in which you try to act as if nothing is wrong. You keep a smile on your face, and try to not dwell on negative things said to and/or about you. Depending on the quantity and severity of your difficulties, this may be the only step you need. But on a day like today, I had no choice but to continue to...

Stage Two: "Venting" When you pass the point where you can just let those things roll like water off a ducks back, there is usually no option but to seek the willing ear of a close friend or family member to unload on. This conversation will typically be quite one-sided, with you complaining in great detail about your circumstances and criticizing the people who contributed to your woeful state. Even things completely unrelated to the current day's issues will tend to arise, in a desperate attempt to make your situation seem more dire, and thus obtain more sympathy. Typically, there will also be a lengthy explanation included in which you explain how none of what is wrong is in any way your fault, and was exclusively caused by others. (Either by their ignorance/stupidity or more often their outright evil/malicious intent to make you feel miserable.) Note: If you are the one being vented to, there is no use in trying to reason with the "venter," all you can do at this point is listen, and say things like "I'm sorry" or "I love you."

Stage Three: "Letting the wound fester" After the venting process is complete, there will typically be some very wise advice given by the "ventee," which (because of their wisdom and lack of involvement in the situation) is objective, accurate, and extremely valuable. They offer this advice and help as a physician offering a soothing balm to ease the pain of a serious laceration. Unfortunately, at this point you choose to completely ignore what they say, and may even go through parts of stage two again. But the advice sinks in subconsciously, ready to be recalled at a time when you can think more rationally. (In a sense, you take the balm or ointment from the doctor, but refuse to apply it.) At this point, you tend to end up basking in the "self indulgent hot tubs of self pity."

Stage Four: "Cookie Dough" This is when you attempt to ease your pain by burying it in pleasure. In my case, frozen cookie dough. When you are eating cookie dough with a glass of milk on the side, everything is right with the world, there are no problems, and your mind is clear of everything but the euphoric sense of bliss emanating from the sugary gob in your mouth... That is, until you swallow. It only takes that long for troubles to fully reassert themselves, but that is easily solved by taking another bite... And another... This process may continue until you run out of cookie cough or you start feeling sick, whichever happens first. Either way, it will come to an end, and most likely you will end up at...

Stage Five: "Obtaining More Cookie Dough" Okay, so this isn't really stage five. That is, unless you have had a really hard day, in which case it may be necessary. But in most cases you will continue on to...

[The Real] Stage Five: "Rising above" I do not know the science behind it exactly, but that part of the subconscious mind where the good advice received in stage three is stored is somehow released into the conscious mind when the two hemispheres of the brain are connected by a wave of cookie dough-induced endorphins. The sickening, junk food feeling in your gut brings you back to reality, and you start being able to accept the wise counsel given to you by your loving friend or family member (or both, in my case). You begin to realize that what happened really wasn't that big of a deal, and the things that people said (or didn't say) weren't even that mean to begin with. Ultimately you decide to just move on with life because it is far too short to dwell on trivial things. Besides, life will keep moving on whether you like it or not, so you might as well enjoy it, if for no other reason than this: as life moves on, this day ends up farther and farther behind me. Now that is a comforting thought, almost as comforting as cookie dough.

Which reminds me, stage five will often end with some kind of resolution to go to the gym and work off all the cookie dough you ate. Which is fine, because doing so will not only burn off cookie dough calories, but any residual negativity as well.